I Wanted To Cry

i wanted to cry

but tears were somewhere but my eyes

i reached deep down for a push of emotions to surface

but to no avail

i wanted to cry

not just to clean my eyes

nor that for i was hurt or in pain

i was not

i wanted to cry

for they say a tear makes you feel light

for it heaves out whatever is weighing you down

whatever, vague. what are these whatever, really?

i wanted to cry

to feel human, perhaps?

for i was called cold-hearted, emotionless, logical

the list goes on but nah, lame.

i wanted to cry

that silent cry which could rip your throat out from suppression so no one could hear

that silent cry that tires the insides and burns the eyes

that silent and draining cry that makes you still feel crying afterwards 

i wanted to cry

but stopped and thought, what for?

again, i dug in for reasons that could justify the cravings for tears

still, to no avail

i wanted to cry

and you came across my mind
and i smiled

crap! even you.

even you, haven't given me reasons to.

What Really Was It That Made My Heart Panicked?

woken up from a weird dream.
my heart was pounding and my lungs were trying to catch air.
i was breathing heavily.
i reached for my phone to check the time, 02:09;
my usual waking hour at dawn.

i messaged a friend whom I wasn't able to reply before sleeping
and was told to get up, put some make up on,
shake up and to not leave the keys on the table.
nonsense.
i'd rather get back to sleep than make the effort of going out.

the scenes were so vivid then.

i can still remember how i blew air on the pad of my thumb

to settle my disturbed heartbeat

and how i told myself to not forget

the sequence of the scenarios

for I will write about it the soonest am fully awake.

and now here i am, trying to recall everything

but all i could muster were the vague settings;

came from a job interview,

chatted with friends on a boardwalk and the waters;

the vast body of water which i forgot

if i was in it swimming, floating or drowning.

What really was it that made my heart panicked?