Wednesday, December 31, 2014

What I Have Realized Without Facebook For Months

One of the realizations I have this year is the sad truth that lies behind the superficial number of friends I have on Facebook and lots of close friends (I thought) in real life.

Back home, I was a social rat. I was creating loops or just participating, but either way I was always in the loop. I was the giddy, lively and up for anything one. I was surrounded by lots of friends (or should I say close friends). And, as to my social activeness, Facebook was just one of my forte. I was always the ever-present to social media. I got more than a thousand FB friends; and I know them all from grade school to college, to work, to social groups and religious organizations. However, there came a day when I noticed that I was like more than (if there is a higher level than) anxious. I checked notifications from time to time and obsessively posting non-sense stuff. I was so into it, I was so absorbed until I got aware of being unaware of the anxiety that was building inside me. It was then when I decided to step back, get disconnected and return to my old habit, reading.

Guiltily, I still have not finished the saga I promised myself for I got trapped into a pool of websites that offer good reads of my interests. Yet, still it's reading.

After disconnecting, I noticed I had a quiet life from then on. I was always tempted to get back on the first few weeks though yet my desire to be in hiatus was empowering I guess that I lasted for more or less than 5 months without it.

But, the thing that sent my heart some stings is that while disappearing, many from the ones whom I have considered close friends have disappeared as well. Had I become a burden to contact with? Well, my home sim is still active for those who are willing to contact me. I thought. Indeed, FB connects people. However, should it be the only way to stay in touch with a friend, with someone you want to stay in your life? At this era where technology is almost ruling the world, portals of communications are already off the count of our fingers, you may include your toes if you know too much. Regardless, the absence of it should not stop the longing to communicate especially when hindered by time difference and distance. Unless, the person is of no importance at all (ouch).

Had I not left FB, I surely have received wall posts of statuses and photos and comments wishing me a Merry Christmas.

Had I not left FB, I surely will receive a lot of Happy New Year greetings.

Had I not left FB, I surely got thousands (okay, less than) of likes and comments on every photo of my adventures; which definitely would boost haughtiness a little and on to posting until flooding the newsfeed I might have done.

Had i not left FB, I surely would not discover the few who were willing to try any other social media and communication platforms to keep in touch with me, the few who genuinely wants to know what has happened then and going on in my life, the few who are concern if I am still sane enough to keep still the extremist in me, the few who have successfully crashed the fortifying wall I put up, the few who has given me time.

I always have a wide horizon of friends above me. But as to date, in my very horizon, I only got a few; a genuine, authentic few of less than 20.

I matter to them. They matter to me even more.

Definitely, this few is one of the many that I am thankful of this 2014. It did not let itself pass without giving me another clear aspect to my messy life.

Cheers to Family! Cheers to Friendship! Cheers to Life!  

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Tormenting. Pain.

Nothing is more crushing than being betrayed by the single person you have trusted wholeheartedly, by someone whom you have shared your dreams and working to be in your future with. That when the simplest rehashing of all the precious moments will put you into an unimaginable, excruciating pain. No. More than that. Beyond that. There is just no word that could come close to describe that horrifying feeling.

It is one thing that I wish no one would go through. It is one thing that I wish I am not going through, right now. It hurts. So much. Every bit of me flinch to the thought of you. It is burning me from the inside. It is making me curl up to the tiniest that I wish I could turn into until I disappear so I could no longer feel the tormenting stabs it caused me.

How could you? 

You were so good - or I may say, great - in feigning reality. You were clever enough to have clothed me with vulnerability, took advantage and amass every bit of respect and rationality I had for myself. You played me in so many ways that I was so oblivious about. You were definitely a master. You were extremely manipulative that have made me heedless of everything but you.

What I have unconsciously become was what I most dread about. All the while, my hunches have not failed me yet I decided not to listen to them. My instinct might have had exhausted itself in me when I was enamored by the glory you have me tasted. You were wonderful. So wonderful that have made myself trapped in your glorious deceitful controlling glow like that of smitten moth to the dangerous flame.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

What You Have Made Me

I find it ironic that instead of beautiful moments, it were those painful ones that have made me re-evaluate everything.


All the hurt that made me huddle myself up and cry to sleep from every shard you dug into my unguarded heart have made my thoughts clearer.

You have made me hold myself up and led me to aright.

You have made me set my goals on high. So high that I see no stopping and have had lamented for the lost time that I should have had to bettering myself.

I am not stopping. You unknowingly made me not to.

And, I can't thank you enough for having me tiptoed to the fragmented path I trailed with you for it made me adept to the same that might come and beholden to the paved ones.