Monday, September 8, 2014

Re-blog: When You Fall In Love With Someone Who Can’t Love You Back [Ari Eastman]

Everything is going to hurt. Actually everything. You think maybe it’s from sleeping on your Craigslist couch every night. Seriously, it’s f*ck*ng uncomfortable. You’ll consider going to your bed, but there’s something too official about it. Your bed means you’re going to try to sleep. And you know you can’t sleep these days. Pain will radiate from your back, spreading itself like tree branches into your chest, your arms, your legs. You will turn on the TV to distract yourself, and one of those fucked up “depression hurts, but you don’t have to” commercials will come on. You will want to throw your water bottle at the screen. But you hurt too much for the energy that would require. You hurt all the damn time. You think that maybe you should get a prescription for Cymbalta.

He has used the word friend towards you 10 times in one night. You are his friend. You are his buddy. You are his bro. You think you might throw up. You haven’t thrown up since you were 6 years old, but your stomach feels like it’s being repeatedly punched. You are like a rat in a psychology experiment. You are becoming conditioned to feel sick at the word friend. Friend. All you start to hear is end. There is no beginning to what you want. It’s already the end.

You sit on the bottom steps outside your apartment building as he drives away. You are holding a flower he gave you. It didn’t mean anything. None of it ever does. You think about how much you wanted to kiss him, and start to silently cry alone, on those bottom steps. You must look like a college cliche. You are tipsy, crying because you like a boy so much. You hate yourself a little for how easily the tears stream down your cheeks.

Don’t convince yourself he looks at you the way you look at him. You can feel yourself inch closer in your seat and lean so hard on your elbows to be near him, that you wake up the next day with bruises on them. He goes to bed with bruises on his heart from the woman he still loves. You don’t even know her, but you hate her. You hate that you hate a human being you’ve never met. You hate that he’s ever cried over her. And you still cry over him.

You will practice what to say to him. Maybe start with, “Hi, I think I’m falling hopelessly in love with you and the idea of just being friends actually makes my body physically hurt.”

No, that won’t work. Read More


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